Octopussy Chronicles

When it comes to personality, I'm a big fan of overweight people. Think about it: Santa Claus, Chunk from the Goonies, Ed Asner... they're all kind of cuddly, jolly, and cute. And I think it's because I subconsciously like the fatso personality that I haven't really been able to force my cat to commit to her diet.

I wrote a while back how I was trying to shed a few pounds off of Octopussy. I started buying the low calorie cat food and regulating the amount I gave her each day; we've done this for several months now. The results? Well, don't hire me as your dietician. She's as fat as ever and she demands more food than before, which now is the expensive, healthy, Husky Buster brand food. Then if I don't give her what she wants, she eats the dog's food. I am convinced that, if left to her own devices, Octopussy would probably carry around an canteen full of gravy.

At the same time I tried to watch her food intake, I also tried to run her around the house some. The sad fact of this is that even an overweight cat is still quite a bit faster than me. Not only that, but the more I chase Octopussy, the more she demands to be chased. The easy solution would be to trap a raccoon and then throw them in the same room for a few hours, but I'm worried what they'd do to the duvet cover. And what if the raccoon sneaks some Cheetohs into the room?

What do I do with a cat that refuses to diet or exercise? I don't think there's a pamphlet in the world that could convince her to change her lifestyle. Maybe I accept it. I let her balloon until she's a miniature Chris Farley, and I watch her jolliness rating go off the charts. Or maybe I start an in-depth search for ruthless, yet affordable kitty fat camps. We're going one way or the other; we're not half-assing in the middle.