Like everyone else in America, I've been slightly horrified the past week with the scandal involving Congressman Mark "Don't call me Axle" Foley. What actually surprises me here is not that this attention was directed towards a few young men, but that this hasn't happened to everyone in America yet. Every morning, I wake up and expect to find my living room full of naked Congressmen, making lewd overtures towards me and my pets. As a group, they are insatiable. And what if you turn them down? Then they probably build an air force base on top of your house, purely out of spite.
I don't think this proves that Republicans are scumbags, as some have insisted. They're politicians; they are, by definition, scumbags. It's like holding a mafioso in lower esteem because he cheated on his wife. As I said, they're unsavory dudes. If you asked me how they blew off steam before all of this, I'd probably say by injecting bald eagles with rabies and then flinging them at homeless people. Inappropriate IM sexytalk isn't great, but it could be worse.
Speaking of all of this inappropriate sexual stuff, I've been thinking a lot about the recent news that Dustin Diamond, Screech from Saved by the Bell, is putting out a homemade sex tape. Imagine it's a few months back, and you're going out with a girl that like a lot. She has this really funny story about going on a date with a celebrity. She's really embarrassed about it and after a few drinks, you pry it out of her: it was Dustin Diamond. You bring it up at parties and everyone gets a kick out of it; come on, she went out with Screech. And then, in the pre-sex tape era, if you had to pick the funniest celebrity for your girlfriend to have dated, Screech would be up there. It's fun all around.
Now, a few months later, you check E! one day and you realize you must have a very serious talk with your significant other. Right then, you make her promise that she never, ever, ever tell that story again, not to anyone. You probably want to dump your girlfriend too, just because you feel violated by association. You formerly had this great, funny story that worked in pretty much every situation, and now it's this lurid, weird, obscene thing that no one should ever know about. And it's all because of Screech's sex tape.
Now I have a music recommendation: the Drams. It's almost the same line-up as Slobberbone, a beloved alt-country act from the great state of Texas, and they continue rocking along in a similar, perhaps poppier vein.
Posted by Cody at October 5, 2006 11:28 PM