Texas Decides

This November, Texas will be electing a governor. If you haven't been paying attention to this race, you're missing some seriously strange crap. Let's break down the 4 main contenders.

Contenders
First, there's the incumbent, Republican Rick Perry. If I were his campaign manager, I'd insist that Perry refer to himself as "Foxy" Rick Perry. Just take a look at this picture. The feathered hair, the twinkle in the eye, the unmistakable brio: he's the gubernatorial equivalent of an early 80s Erik Estrada, assuming that Erik had a major erection for toll roads.

Then there's the Democrat, Chris Bell. I don't know much about this guy, except that he's a Democrat in Texas and thus will get his ass kicked. I will liken him to Horshack from Welcome Back, Kotter.

There are also two major independent candidates. One of them is Carole Keeton Strayhorn. Her major accomplishment thus far has been attempting to have her name listed as 'Grandma' on the ballot (no joke). She seems, in every possible way, to be the real life incarnation of Pappy O'Daniel from O Brother, Where Art Thou?

The other independent candidate, as most people know, is Kinky Friedman. If you're not familiar with him, just imagine your surly, but fun great uncle shouting at the evening news after a few nips of Teacher's. Kinky needs no fictional alterego.

Okay, we've identified the candidates. Now let's get an idea of the repartee between these four. I will serve as moderator in a completely fictional debate.

The Debate
Moderator: Gentlemen, the issue is illegal immigration. How would you fix it?

Erik Estrada Perry: If these people expect to come into my state, they're building toll roads. That's all there is to it. Then, when they drive on the toll roads, we charge them double. Then they brush my hair.

Horshack Bell: Rick Perry is too pretty. I'm much less telegenic, thus smarter; elect me. *makes strange, nerdy braying sound*

Pappy O'Keeton Strayhorn: I'm bringin' in that reform! *cackles madly* I'd hire the immigrants to destroy the toll roads, then I'd make them call me grandma, then we'd go fling manure at Rick Perry.

Kinky: I'd load the illegals in a cannon and shoot them back at Mexico. *lights cigar, pinches audio technician on the butt, pistolwhips Horshack*

Conclusion
Fortunately for us, the governor in Texas is responsible for very, very little. As such, I am going to vote for the weirdest candidate possible. Right now, that's Kinky, but if Chris Bell or Rick Perry reinvents himself as a tranny ninja, I reserve the right to change my mind.

Posted by Cody at October 18, 2006 7:14 PM