Driver Education

I have to take defensive driving due to a recent speeding ticket. I will not, however, have to watch a comedian crack jokes about car seats down at Shoney's. Nope, I'm doing the whole thing at home, via the internet. As that is the case, I have decided to document the journey to safer driving.

The video has two hosts, a guy and a lady. The guy is clearly excited to be on my TV. I think he's creeping the lady out; she keeps looking away from the camera while she speaks. I bet he's making some sort of lewd gesture, demanding that she cede her airtime.

Top 2 causes of fatal crashes: speeding drivers and drunk drivers. Those are dangerous, I agree. However, just think how much deadlier the roads would be if our cars had turtle shell projectiles, like in Mario Cart. I'd sit at home and pray for mercy.

One tenth of all traffic fatalities occur in Texas, but we're only responsible for one twentieth of the nationwide property damage due to wrecks. Texas's new state motto: we are dangerous and poor.

Question for anyone who's ever appeared in a reenactment in one of these videos: in the acting food chain, is being in a driver's ed video better or worse than porn? I'm going to say better, although it depends on who is in the porn.

Here's the kind of keen questioning for which I'm paying $40: "What's the difference between being sleepy and being fatigued?"

If you worry about going to sleep at the wheel, they mention caffeine as a short term solution. Then, the camera zooms in on a guy at a coffee machine. The pot has a label on it. What is it? Probably something really laden with caffeine, like espresso or cappucino. Oh wait, the label reads, "Gourmet Decaf".

I'm 50% certain that the leading man has a glass eye. Now that I look, I think both eyes are glass. Why is a no-eyed man teaching me about traffic safety?

A police officer's talking about the risks of driving while on drugs. The officer asks, "Do you want to give up your ability to go to Disneyland?" Stern punishment indeed.

Aaaaaaaaaand I passed the test, so I'm on to section 2. Maybe I'll do more tomorrow.

Posted by Cody at November 28, 2006 8:29 PM