(In case you missed it, we're right in the middle of a wingding. Here's Part I of the Superhuman Lineage of Cody Powell, in the event you want the rest of this to make sense.)
I left off yesterday with the death of my Great X5 Grandfather, Coalzilla Powell, the world's first coal-powered robot. I believe I mentioned that, through a feat of mind-blowing mechanics, Coalzilla actually managed to spread his cold, cyborgian seed before meeting his demise via lynch mob justice. Coalzilla's son, named Lazlo Butterscotch Powell, was born after his father's death. Lazlo Butterscotch Powell was my Great X4 Grandfather.
Lazlo Butterscotch Powell's life was not an easy one; his father was a dead robot, his mother was a barking lunatic who tried regularly to trade him for bags of seedless grapes, and his hands were enormous, metal claws. How would this affect a young man, growing up in the latter part of the 19th century? Thankfully, Lazlo Butterscotch Powell kept an extensive diary; its pages numbered 174,000 at the time of his death. I present excerpts here.
February 11, 1871 Damn these claws! In the moist air, they have a tendency to rust and lock. If I do nothing else in this world, I will discover and market a cheap, plentiful claw ointment.March 3, 1873
It's time to harvest the grapes again, and Mom has that crazy glint in her eye. I fear this may be my last entry ever.October 21, 1874
What woman could ever love a half robot with claw hands? Even if I could find one, would she share my ideas on child rearing? I must again state my wish that I'd been born with giant, bulletproof lobster pincers, rather than these horrid, metallic appendages.December 24, 1874
For Christmas, Mom gave me a sack of baby doll heads. The neighbors were right to burn our house down.
On his 16th birthday, Lazlo Butterscotch Powell left Texas to join the circus, where he was billed as Clawules the Magnficent. In such a laidback environment, he discovered a number of previously hidden talents. First, his claws were excellent at cracking the shells of even the toughest nuts. (Yes, this even includes pecans.) Second, he had a good head for numbers. Third, he could charm the pants off of even the most attractive human oddity.
For the next 87 years, he stayed with the circus and earned his keep as Clawlules. He sired 146 children, with even the most homely of freaks, Gertie the Jellyfish Woman. He combined his keen mathematical abilities with his nut-cracking skills, and began a mixed nut exporting business. Through shrewd pricing and the ruthless squeezing of his suppliers, by the time he hit 100, he was the richest claw-having man in the United States.
In the midst of his 146 offspring was a young boy born to Vampyro, the lady vampire who could make items burst into flames at will. His name was Spaghettio Powell. He had no claws like his father and no chimneys like his grandfather. Instead, he had fangs and an overwhelming appetite for raccoon blood. Tomorrow, we pick up with my Great great great grandfather, Spaghettio Powell.
Posted by Cody at January 3, 2007 7:01 PM