I Don't Want Your Steak

I think a good rule of thumb is to tread lightly around anyone with a neck tattoo. So, today when I was home for lunch and some neck-tattooed, bug-eyed lunatic pounded on my front door in an attempt to give me a free box of steaks, I was very polite.

Neck Tat Dude: Good afternoon sir, I'm in the area making a food delivery and we've ended up with an extra box of steaks. Would you like to take it?
Me, wide eyed with a terror and sensing a scam: What a cordial gesture! I commend you on your good citizenship. However, we're not interested.
NTD: Not interested in free steak?! You don't like steak? We have filets, porterhouses, prime rib...
Me, bracing for an ice pick to the neck: Wait, of course I'm interested in free steak! I just don't have any freezer room. Why not give it to a homeless shelter? Or take it yourself?
NTD: We're on a schedule, we can't lug it all the way down there. Why don't you just take it?
Me, searching for unconventional, yet believable excuse: Well, we're also vegetarians. (Note: right as I said this, I realized that I was eating a chicken burrito. Later inspection showed that no chicken was visible.)
NTD: You don't eat steak?
Me: No.
NTD: Fish?
Me: No.
NTD: Do you drink milk?
Me: Actually, yes.
NTD: So you're not a vegan?
Me: Correct, we're ovolactovegetarians.
NTD, furrowing his brow: I understand. Have a good one.
Me, for no good reason: Thanks, and good luck.

With Octopussy as my witness, that's almost exactly the way that the conversation occurred. He really caught me off guard with the vegan question, which is why I blurted out my fake ovolactovegetarianism. (I happen to work with someone who follows that diet so I was 50% sure I used that term correctly.) My big fear at that point was that he'd want to know more about ovolactovegetarianism and I'd have to make up a recipe for mozzarella and stewed beets.

Thankfully, he left the yard and went to bother the people next door. The old free box of steak scam? I'm not falling for that one again.

Posted by Cody at April 16, 2007 8:44 PM