If you're like me, you're slightly concerned with this whole financial meltdown that seems to be happening across the globe. In this situation, I have a few words of advice.
The good news is, you are reading Goulash so your problems are pretty much solved. Who do you think reads this site? My market research shows it's me, you, and a bunch of billionaires. I fully expect these billionaires to prop both me and you up in this unpleasant financial climate. After all, that's the spirit of the freaking Internet.
In the unlikely event that my billionaire fan club fails to save me, I've worked up a bit of a plan. First, liquidate your retirement, stock, checking, and saving accounts. Isn't that selling low? Yes. Well, maybe not. I'm not sure actually, because there's a very good chance my plan here results in the imminent collapse of global commerce. In that case, it's a great idea to get out now.
Once you have this money, what do you do with all of it? I recommend buying things. Don't buy stupid stuff like gold or pork bellies or land, buy things that could help you in the upcoming monetary apocalypse. Specifically, I'm talking about mason jars and grenades. Why mason jars? Well, you're going to need to hide your crap somewhere when the highwaymen strike. Why grenades? You're not getting everybody else's stuff without putting up a bit of fight.
You've got all of these mason jars and grenades, and what happens now? Here's the beautiful part: just wait. The next few weeks will feature the cratering of thousands of companies and financial institutions. Don't be surprised if noted financial experts like Suze Orman and Warren Buffett show up at your house, looking for a place to crash. If they try to get pushy, show them the box of grenades and they'll get the message.
What happens if you run out of food in this time? Again, show the box of grenades to someone and just see where it goes.
Eventually, modern economics will be dead and anarchy will reign supreme. Most folks, in a blind fear, will begin to obsess over the only two things that can protect. First, they'll want something they can stick their stuff in so that it may be buried in the yard and thus hidden. Second, they'll want something to blow up other people's hiding spaces so that they can take that stuff. Mason jars and grenades, friends. The bull market has just begun.
(What if you want to hedge your bets? I don't know, buy some Euros or something.)
Posted by Cody at September 17, 2008 8:08 PM