October 6, 2009

Shoelaces, Socks, and Pockets

"Shoelaces, you suck; get out." I said that recently, not to somebody named Shoelaces, but to actual shoelaces. For twenty-something years, I'd been tying shoelaces, then watching them go untied as I walked around during the day, then tripping over them, then doubleknotting them, then tearing off my fingernails trying to untie them at the end of the day.

That's a lot of drama, considering that shoelaces don't serve much of a purpose, so just like the freewheelin' shotcaller I am, I cast them out of my life. Since then, unless I'm suited up for doing something active (yardwork, sports, fleeing from zombies), I've stuck to pull-on shoes without shoelaces. Let me tell you something: I thought I could live without shoelaces, but I had no idea what living truly WAS until I tried it without shoelaces! Now, the shoes are on, the shoes are off, maybe the shoes are halfway on - who cares? It's between me and my feet.

I hadn't really thought that much before about trying to hack my wardrobe like that. I put clothes on, I took clothes off, and I got mustard stains on those clothes, but I wasn't really thinking critically about the situation. But, since I've figured out that laces suck, my mind has opened to other possibility.

I also said goodbye to tubesocks. Yes, they're functional. Yes, I possess them in great quantities, so it's no big deal when a pair gets a hole or is attacked by Octopussy. For the love of Pete though, what about the matching process? I've spent hours of my life trying to match tubesocks together. "Okay, this one has a gray heel, so I just need another gray heel. Here's a gray heel... oh wait, that's a gray toe. A-ha! I have located an actual gray heel! Aww damn it, it has a red line on the toe. ARRRRRGHGHGHG *I die of old age while matching socks, having never finished my rock opera about the postal service.*"

While I don't have time for matching socks, I also can't just mismatch socks together and run out of the house. I think I'd be slightly uncomfortable with that. Without order, there's chaos, even in the sock drawer.

And on top of this sock-matching sitaution, I receive gifts of interesting socks every year. These distinctive, dressy socks just sit in my closet, adding pizazz to no one's feet. Due to their jazziness, they're very easy to match and then there's the added benefit that, being interesting socks, they're slightly fun to wear. Around the same time that I ditched the laces, I also ditched the tubes.

There's one more change I've been mulling over, and it's a lot more complex. Like most schlubby dudes, I carry enough in my pants pockets to defend myself from a small army. I've got keys, wallet, change, receipts, sometimes a pen or memory card, and two phones. I pretty much need those baggy pirate pants to walk around comfortable with all of that crap crammed in there, and that's not a socially acceptable solution (yet).

I've come up with two possibilities here. I could get a bag of some sort, or I could wear a multi-pocketed jacket (think sportscoat, not parka). There are benefits to both. If I'm carrying a bag, people may think I'm a courier, so I could probably get some free stuff under the guise of "making a delivery". If I wear a jacket, I'd probably be confused for a college professor, at which point I could lie my way into delivering some lectures on my true passion, the cinema of sub-saharan Africa.

Either bag or jacket is pretty dramatic, and I'd probably end up leaving either one in a booth at McDonald's. Maybe a pair of suspenders I could hook my stuff onto? I don't know; there's a lot to consider.

Posted by Cody at 7:30 PM