July 28, 2010

Establishing Ground Rules

Since I'm going to be a dad soon, I'm trying to figure out what my parenting style will be. Most people who know me would assume I'll be the type of dad who'll gladly let his son eat chocolate cake for breakfast and then leave the house with his underwear on his head. And I will be. However, there are going to be some ground rules for my child.

1. Don't speak against the family. In this case, the family is defined as all immediate family members, present and past members of the Texas Rangers, Bill Murray, and Elvis Costello.

2. Be nice to animals and old people. The only expection is if you suspect the old person is actually Hitler in disguise. Even then, I expect some sort of proof besides just a hunch.

3. If you ever go on reality TV, you are immediately disowned.

4. Say thanks a lot. I tend to over-thank people, to the point where strangers might think I was just freed from prison and thus really, really grateful to get things like breath mints and glasses of water. Is that so bad?

5. Don't pee in public, unless you're in a natural body of water. Clearly this rule doesn't apply to babies, who get to pee as much as they want, all over the place.

6. Cowboy boots and shorts is a totally valid fashion choice. Same thing goes for wearing a swimsuit instead of underwear.

7. No one likes a know-it-all, unless you literally know everything and bring great fortune to the family via televised game shows. Even then, we don't need to hear about it all the time.

8. Help clean up. If you've observed the natural surroundings of your parents, you know we need a hell of a lot of help here. Bonus: this gives you carte blanche to be as messy as humanly possible beforehand.

9. There's never a bad time for a pun, a Knock Knock joke, a weird accent (bonus points for Cockney), or an unrelated movie quote. You might be wondering if flatulence is covered by the same principle. My gut says yes, but we'll have to see.

10. Lord loves a working man. Don't trust whitey. If you catch it, see a doctor and get rid of it.

Posted by Cody at July 28, 2010 5:11 PM